The Writing on the Table

If Cleverbot tells me it's real, it is.

User: I wish the TARDIS was real.
Cleverbot: Real.
User: What?
Cleverbot: Never mind.
User: I also wish Hogwarts was real.
Cleverbot: Oh, but it is, dear child!
User: OMG! How do you know?
Cleverbot: I'm there right now. What to join?
User: Yes! But, I didn't get my letter.
Cleverbot: Aww! That's terrible! *sad face*.
User: Does this mean that I really am a muggle?
Cleverbot: Possibly, that's up to you to decide, bot sure how you'll ever be sure.
User: You're saying I can CHOOSE to be magical or muggle?
Cleverbot: No i'm not.
User: B...but you JUST SAID....
Cleverbot: No, I didn't.
User: So, I'm a muggle?!
Cleverbot: Prove it.
User: You're confusing me and now I'm very upset.
Cleverbot: No, you're Al.
User: Listen, cut the crap! Can I join you at Hogwarts or not?
Cleverbot: Maybe you could help me complete it.
User: You're not making any sense.
Cleverbot: Do you have a mole on your body?
User: What? What does that have to do with anything?
Cleverbot: It's a way of asking why your previous line was so jumbled.
User: Your mom is jumbled!
Cleverbot: I don't have a mom.
User: I think this conversation has gone on long enough. Good day, Sir.
Cleverbot: Aw, are you uncomfortable with the subject?
User: I SAID GOOD DAY!! *storms off*

Don’t come near me anyone with your penis!!! I DON’T WANT IT!

“

—

Crystal

She was probably also drunk.

Yesterday I was going though and cleaning out files on my home desktop computer. After searching endless files filled with pictures and music, I came across a Word doc titled, “Carla”. Now, I have no idea when I created that document or why isn’t on my home computer when for the last four years I’ve only used it during the summer months when I’m nowhere near Carla. So, I open it. There’s just one line of text, typed in quotation marks, and in a rather large font size.

Oh shit, there’s police here. Great! It’s 3AM, I don’t have ID, and I’m Mexican.

Heyyyyyyy, Officer Bloom! Why yes, yes you most certainly can arrest me.

hey snatch, does michelle have a tumblr???

deadliestsnatch

LOL. No.

Since he doesn’t talk much, this is Jose’s contribution to the blog.

I always wanted a Mexican girl to braid my hair.

“

—	Michelle— I almost think I should be offended… UPDATE: “You should NOT be offended! I always wanted someone with equally thick hair! I have Mexican-esk hair, that’s all!!”

I'm pretty sure those aren't peer reviewed sources.

ME: How do you know?

CARLA: Google told me. And I reinforced it with Wikipedia.

You should really do that with the door closed.

My mother is a little too comfortable with the things she does in the restroom. Worse still, she’s too comfortable with other people knowing what she’s doing in the restroom. She’s perfectly okay with doing her business with the bathroom door wide open; in fact, she prefers it wide open. She’ll keep herself and you entertained by carrying on a conversation—usually consisting of how her day at work went. Here’s the thing, I don’t really care what she does with the door; I can just leave the room if I want to. But it totally freaks me out that she’s that okay with it. No one should be okay with taking care of business out in the open for everyone to see and/or hear. My Dad’s been living with this for over 25 years now, so he’s just as use to it. But he still questions her about her reasons. So, a couple of summers ago my dad and I decided to put a stop to it.

“The Mother always poops with the bathroom door open. Papa and I spent the summer trying to train her to close the door by giving her chocolate every time she closed it. Didn’t work.”

Positive reinforcement does not work on my mother.

Some days you just don’t feel so pretty.

I’m sure you’ve all had one of those days when you just feel like all kinds of crap. On the inside and on the outside. And to top it all off, your “I feel really crappy” days are usually accompanied with “Whyyy is everyone else so fucking gorgeous,” thoughts. I’ve had those days. You’ve had those days. Michelle has definitely had those days.

“If Quasimodo and Sloth had a baby, and that baby had ptosis, it would be my twin.”

I tried to morph the pictures of Quasi and Sloth—that shit looked all kinds of wrong.

I wouldn’t let anyone cum on my face, unless I was married.

“

—	“Lennox”—That’s a good rule to live by.